Revisiting Loss

I attended a doula circle meeting this morning where a grief counselor came to help us when working with clients who experience loss – miscarriage, death of baby, and even those who had birth experiences that were disappointing.  As we spoke a little about miscarriage, I noticed that a lot of emotions were surfacing for me and I just feel I need to process a bit, so bear with me.  I want to start by saying that I completely understand and accept that God allows circumstances in our lives to make us better people, to help us relate to others and to cause us to look to Him as our source of life and peace, but just understanding that all things have a deeper purpose, doesn’t make them less painful.  The fact is, emotions are not logical.  That is why trying to explain to a crying child that the toy broke because it was not meant to be thrown across the room isn’t really going to stop their crying.  They are sad.  They want the toy back.  They want to change the outcome of their actions.  Better to agree that it is so sad that their toy is broken and deal with the logic of it after they are done mourning the loss, yes?

As adults I think we try to find the logic or meaning in hardship so that we can ultimately suppress what we’re feeling.  If there is a reason for it, then I don’t have to acknowledge these feeling I am having…  Except, that our beings don’t work that way.  So when Claire was talking about writing an obituary for a baby that was miscarried I started to tear up.  Although I was barely pregnant that summer of 2008, it was enough for me to be excited about the future and think about what the due date would be.  It wasn’t a planned pregnancy but I was so happy.  I remember thinking back about how tired I had been the couple weeks prior and realizing it was because I was pregnant!  I had a feeling that it was a girl for some reason and I never had an inclination one way or the other with the boys.  It was a little tricky because we were in Israel and I wouldn’t be able to see a doctor until we got home, but it would have still been in the first trimester.  We went camping that weekend in Northern Israel and I started bleeding.  I was sure of what was happening.  We shortened our trip.  I wasn’t able to see a doctor because the travel insurance didn’t include maternity care so I called my midwife from Texas and she comforted me and gave me medical advise.  We didn’t really have time to get too used to the idea, but it didn’t take me long to start dreaming.  It was a loss.  It was softened by the comfort of friends and hearing the stories of others who had gone through one, too.  But I felt a deep sense of loss and despair was mixed in during those months after when I really was quite concerned about whether or not I would be able to have any more children.  Like I said, emotions are not logical.  So, if you met me in fall of 2008 and thought I seemed a little sad, well, I was.  But I don’t think I told anyone about what I was feeling.