Being a mom, in fact, is not the worst job in the world. It is pretty hard, though, and if you ask a mom, she would most likely tell you that, yes, she feels like she is failing miserably. Anyone who has ever had a job they cared about can tell you that doing well is extremely rewarding and getting recognition for a job well done is a huge motivator. As a parent you are responsible for something much more valuable than a spreadsheet – a human soul, and the pressure to succeed is huge, yet you are constantly confronted by your failures. I recently read an article (All Joy and No Fun) about how married couples with children are generally less happy (as evidenced in numerous studies) than those without. I’m sure the grass is always greener on the other side, but the funny thing is, even though study after study shows this to be true, parents don’t “feel” less happy. It’s just when you start considering the daily activities and all of the ways life is effected by children it starts to sound really bad. Every activity is made more complicated with kids and when your 3 year old pokes you on the cheek at 6 am (for the third day in a row), that feels like something to be less happy about. Senior says, “Children may provide unrivaled moments of joy. But they also provide unrivaled moments of frustration, tedium, anxiety, heartbreak. This scene, [a mother nagging her son, who refuses to turn the tv off and do his homework] which isn’t even all that awful or uncommon, makes it perfectly clear why parenting may be regarded as less fun than having dinner with friends or baking a cake. Loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.”
One thing that was mentioned in the article is that since industrialization children have moved from being “extra help” with the household duties to little dictators. We cart them around and cater to their needs so that they will have everything they need to succeed. Maybe it’s overkill? In the article they referred to the Nambian mothers in the movie Babies, who sat chatting and caring for their children and actually seemed to be enjoying themselves. No fancy toys, no mommy and me classes, just spending time together. As a parent I find the most joy when I actually put the iphone down and spend some quality time playing with my boys. Nothing beats our mornings together when everyone crawls in bed and we rough-house and cuddle.
Even though we can look at the whole of our job as parenting with joy, because it truly is rewarding and your children have a way of touching your heart with love and pride like no one else can, the day-in and day-out is hard. To point out what is most frustrating is difficult. The hours are long – really you’re never off the clock, you can spend all day cleaning and still the house looks like a tornado came through (really, it seems overwhelming and impossible to get above baseline), you are faced with opposition for even the most mundane tasks (as I write Scott is arguing with Ilan about washing his hands after going to the bathroom), and you can hardly do a task or have a thought without interruption. You never know if you are really doing the right thing, and you desperately want to because you love your children and you want to give them the best there is. Oh, the insecurity!
So, yes, if you asked me what I would prefer to bake a cake (or even do the dishes) over giving the kids a bath, it probably would be true. It’s not because I’m not happy and don’t love my kids or even wouldn’t have fun giving them a bath. It’s because I probably do need a little time to myself, to do something without a struggle. I stay at home with my kids, Ilan, the older, is not in pre-school, I cook most meals we eat from scratch, and I don’t have a backyard where the kids can play fairly safely with limited supervision. Ilan is super social and he expects my participation in whatever he is doing, so that even when he could be playing independently and I could sit outside with him and a book, he still wants my focus. So, why do I feel guilty when I take some time and do something for myself? Maybe it’s because I feel guilty for needing or wanting a break from my kids. But letting my guilt keep me from caring for my own needs won’t make me a better mom or a happier mom. In fact, most couples could also benefit from taking time to focus on each other instead of the kids. Even after the kids go to bed at night we’re both so zonked that we vegetate either behind a computer, a tv screen or a book. I want to feel fulfilled as a woman, wife and as a parent. It seems like in the pursuit of being a good parent I am neglecting the things that make me a better parent and create a better home for my kids. So, I’m taking happy back. Look out.
This is just a test. 
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